Parallels
by Isobel Morgan
Summary: "Don't open the Parallel Door". Naboo says. "And especially don't go through it." Well, knowing our boys, what do you think happens next? A 'Missing Adventure' in which Howard and Vince discover there really is no place like home.


**Parallels**

_Nabootique._

_HOWARD and VINCE walk in through the front door, both carrying boxes of records and CDs. _

_VINCE is wearing a typically outlandish outfit (a spangly, skin tight catsuity-thing, with knee high boots in electric blue and matching boa and eyeliner) _

_HOWARD is, less usually, wearing a bright red shirt, smart black trousers and a striped fedora hat._

HOWARD:

You know, for once you were right. I think this is a pretty good look for me

VINCE:

See? I know what I'm talking about. I'm the Fashion King of Shoreditch!

HOWARD:

(_putting down boxes and_ _looking in the mirror_)

Yeah… not bad. You think this'll work tonight?

VINCE:

Course!

HOWARD:

It's a pretty tough gig, Vince. I don't want any repeat of last time

VINCE:

That was a one-off. This is a totally different set up; there won't be any violence this time

HOWARD:

Sure?

VINCE:

Yeah! I mean, who'd have thought an old folk's home would have so many people with anger management problems?

HOWARD:

I don't think we were what they were expecting.

They booked a band to play for their May Day celebrations; four hours of electro-techno-jazz fusion was probably a bit much for them to handle

VINCE:

Yeah, but it was well harsh when they started throwing their Zimmer frames at us

HOWARD:

Well… should be a different story tonight though? I'm rocking my new look, we've got all these new records to work with.

Bound to be genius!

VINCE:

Hey, what's this?

(_he picks up a cardboard package from the shop counte_r)

VINCE:

Brilliant! My new hairdryer!

HOWARD:

Another one? You've got five already. How many pairs of hands to you have?

VINCE:

But this one's a **Hårtork Maxïmo**! Look!

(_takes it out of the packaging and holds it up. It's silver, cordless, about the size of his hand_)

VINCE:

The most powerful hairdryer known to man!

It's got more settings than a salon, and it's powered entirely by the owner's sense of style. Watch!

(_he_ _directs it at the rotating stand on the other side of the shop, and turns it on. The stand immediately falls over, then bursts into flames_)

VINCE:

Wow. I'll have to work on that. Don't know my own strength!

HOWARD:

Let me have a go –

(_takes the __**Hårtork Maxïmo**_ _from VINCE and aims it at the shop dummy in the window. _

_Nothing happens_)

VINCE:

(_taking back the dryer_)

Best leave it to the experts, yeah?

HOWARD:

Yeah, well, It's not as if I need some appliance to tell me about style, hey? Not now

VINCE:

Calm down, will you? It's a new outfit, not a personality transplant

HOWARD:

Still. Watch out ladies, here comes Howard Moon!

(_strikes a flamboyant pose_)

You better watch out too, Vince.

VINCE:

What for?

HOWARD:

(_dancing about, arms in the air_)

Gonna be getting a fair bit of attention now, aren't I?

VINCE:

(_snorts derisively_)

Yeah, right. In some weird parallel universe where you're better looking and more popular than me

HOWARD:

(_grinning_)

Ooh, touched a nerve, did I?

What have you created, a rival?

VINCE:

As if you'd ever be my rival. I mean, come on Howard. You can't hope to compete with this, can you?

(_indicates his own outfit in all its glory._

_HOWARD doesn't reply, turns back to the mirror, clearly delighted with his appearance)_

VINCE:

Oh hey, there's a note from Naboo here as well

(_opens letter_)

"Dear Howard and Vince.

Have been called back to the planet Xooberon.

Taken Bollo with me. Try not to get into trouble while I'm gone.

Naboo."

HOWARD:

(_adjusting his hat to a series of rakish angles_)

Oh, that's nice. It's not as if we always get into trouble whenever he's not around and he has to get us out of it

VINCE:

Well… it pretty much is.

(_turns letter over_)

There's another bit here

"P.S. Am looking after a parallel door for a friend.

Whatever you do, don't open it and especially don't go through it.

N."

HOWARD:

What's a parallel door?

VINCE:

I dunno. Like a sliding door, maybe? It doesn't say.

HOWARD:

(_shrugs_)

Never mind. We haven't got time to go looking for a door we're not supposed to go through. We've got to get ready for tonight's gig

VINCE:

Yeah, I suppose we should start writing some songs. How long've we got until it starts?

HOWARD:

Um, about four hours

VINCE:

Ah, masses of time. No worries. I'm gonna get going on my hair, though. It might take a while.

HOWARD:

I'll make a start on these

(_indicates boxes of records_)

Gonna be good!

**LA****TER:**

(_th__e boys come back down stairs, carrying a variety of instrument cases. HOWARD is dressed the same as earlier, but VINCE is now wearing a different spangly outfit, complete with cowboy hat and man-bag)_

HOWARD:

What's with all this stuff? I mean, do you really need six different bottles of hair product?

VINCE:

At least! You never know when a change of look might be needed

HOWARD:

It's a half-hour set, Vince. Which, I should add, we have about four minutes of music for

VINCE:

Stop worrying, it'll be fine. All I have to do is throw a few shapes and we'll have the audience eating out of the palm of our hands

HOWARD:

I knew we should have spent more time preparing the set

VINCE:

(_trying to be reassuring_)

What about your new look, hey? That'll get their attention

(_suddenly realising_)

Oh, wait, I forgot something, hang on a minute

HOWARD:

Hurry up, will you? The taxi's waiting

_VINCE runs off, but instead of going back upstairs, he goes through a door at the bottom of the stairs, one that wasn't there earlier. It's red, covered in strange occult symbols and had a hand-painted sign above it which reads "__**Do Not Enter**__". _

_It's the parallel door!_

_HOWARD waits for a few moments, then puts down the cases he's holding and goes over to the door_

HOWARD:

Vince? Come on, we haven't got all day.

You better not be changing your outfit again

_(there is no reply. HOWARD knocks on the door)_

HOWARD:

Vince?

_(he_ _looks up and sees the sign, steps back and looks at the door properly)_

HOWARD:

Oh dear

(_looks around, but the shop and the flat, are empty and there's no-one to help. _

_Gingerly, HOWARD opens the door. It's dark on the other side, and he squints inside, but can't see anything_)

HOWARD:

Vince? Are you in there? Vince!

(_still no reply. Reluctantly, HOWARD steps through the door into the dark. The door swings shut behind him_)

**Through The Door 1:**

(_It's dark, but there are faint glimmers of light, as if stars are embedded in the walls and ceiling. _

_HOWARD sparks up a lighter__, creating an improbable amount of light_)

HOWARD:

Vince? Vince, are you in here?

VINCE:

Howard? I'm over here

(_HOWARD stumbles across the darkness to VINCE, whose sparkly outfit is gleaming in the lowlight_)

HOWARD:

Where are we?

VINCE:

I dunno. It's a bit weird though. I thought I must've walked into the cupboard under the stairs at first, but it's huge!

HOWARD:

We don't have a cupboard under the stairs

VINCE:

Don't we?

HOWARD:

No. You remember that door Naboo told us not to go through?

VINCE:

Yeah?

HOWARD:

I think we went through it

VINCE:

Oh. He's not going to be very happy with us, is he?

HOWARD:

He doesn't need to find out. Come on, let's find our way back.

With any luck, we can still make it to the gig

VINCE:

I don't think it'll be that easy

HOWARD:

Why not?

VINCE:

The door's up there

(_points upwards to the ceiling, into which the door they came through is embedded, at least fifty feet up_)

HOWARD:

What! How did that happen? How did – I mean – we – I don't remember falling?

VINCE:

Yeah, I think I figured out why it's called a parallel door. Looks like it's a door that leads to parallel universes

HOWARD:

How did you work that out?

VINCE:

Easy really. That door over there has it written on it

(_points to another door, set into the wall to his right, which has "Parallel Universe 42" written on it in glowing green letters_)

HOWARD:

Oh. That can't be good

VINCE:

No. How are we gonna get back?

HOWARD:

I don't know. We can't get back up there, so maybe… if we go through that door, we can find another one to take us home

VINCE:

Are you sure?

HOWARD:

Do you have any better ideas?

VINCE:

Not really. Come on then

(_he goes over to the second door and opens it. A blast of icy wind escapes and he slams it again_)

VINCE:

Don't suppose you brought a jacket, did you?

HOWARD:

Come on, little man

(_they_ _go through the door, which slams behind them)_

**Through The Door 2:**

_All around them is snow and ice, a howling gale blowing across the icy wastes. _

_Instantly, HOWARD's hat is blown away_

VINCE:

(_shouting over the wind_)

I think I can see another door!

HOWARD:

Come on, let's hurry!

(_putting his arm around VINCE's shoulder, they push on through the snow towards the new door, passing a variety of oddly dressed penguins standing on an iceberg, shouting at each other._

_The door is just inside a cave mouth, but when they get there, they discover that it's completely frozen over with thick ice_)

HOWARD:

Oh no! What are we gonna do now?

VINCE:

I've got an idea

(_pulls the **Hårtork Maxïmo**_ _out of his man-bag_)

HOWARD:

This is no time to be doing your hair, Vince!

VINCE:

No, look!

(_he trains the hairdryer on the ice, and instantly it begins to melt, blasted away by VINCE'S powerful sense of style!)_

VINCE:

Yeah! Look at me go! Take that, will you!

(_as the ice melts, the door does too, and our boys fall forwards into a new universe) _

**Through The Door 3:**

_(they land facedown on what appears to be a tennis court_)

VINCE:

(_sitting up_)

Where are we?

HOWARD:

Looks like some kind of sports club

(_from across the court, a man approaches. He's dressed in colourful tennis gear – shorts, sweater knotted over his shoulders and looks more than a little like Dixon Bainbridge, except for the fact that he has three legs and four arms, a racket in two of his hands_)

TENNIS MAN:  
I say, you there! Are you members?

VINCE:

Members of what?

TENNIS MAN:

The tennis club! Good god, man, we don't let any Tom, Dick and Harriet who falls onto the court play, you know!

HOWARD:

We don't want to play tennis, sir. We're just trying to find the right door to get home

TENNIS MAN:

Ah, well, you should have thought of that before you gatecrashed, shouldn't you! Security!

(_from across the court come running two more three legged, four armed people, dressed as umpires_)

HOWARD:

Run for it!

(_he and VINCE scramble to their feet and leg it across the court, heading for a series of doors set into the wall_)

VINCE:

Which one?

HOWARD:

Doesn't matter! Just pick one!

(_one of the umpires grabs Howard's arm, tearing a sleeve off his new shirt but he escapes _

_and the boys crash though the nearest door, marked "Parallel Universe 98"_)

TENNIS MAN:

You fools! In trying to escape us, you have fled into far greater danger!

Where does that door go?

(_his two umpire security guards shrug_)

TENNIS MAN:

Ah well, never mind. Tennis, anyone?

**Through The Door 4:**

_HOWARD and VINCE fall down onto a new surface, which is white and soft. _

_Carefully they get to their feet_

VINCE:

Where are we now?

HOWARD:

I don't know. But it seems like we're alone, so it's an improvement from the last one

VINCE:

That guy had three legs!

HOWARD:

Yeah, and four arms. Still, I can see where that could come in handy playing tennis

VINCE:

He could play doubles with himself!

HOWARD:

Right, let's try and find another door, shall we?

(_they walk a little way, the land sloping away under their feet_)

VINCE:

What is this place? What's that?!

(_points to the ground ahead of him, in which is a giant eye! It swivels up towards them_)

THE MOON:

Hey! What are you doing, walking on my face?

(_we see the full face of THE MOON, with HOWARD and VINCE standing on top, the door behind them_)

HOWARD:

(_screams_)

What are you?

THE MOON:

I am The Moon

VINCE:

You're the Moon?

THE MOON:

Pleased to meet you

(_he grins_)

VINCE:

How did we get on the Moon?

HOWARD:

I don't know. Maybe the doors can lead anywhere

VINCE:

How are we gonna get back to Earth? I can't see any more doors

THE MOON:

Who are you? I didn't see no spaceship coming in. Are you a friend of Neil Armstrong?

VINCE:

I'm Vince Noir. This is my friend Howard

HOWARD:

Howard Moon

THE MOON:

Moon? You can't be The Moon. I am The Moon

HOWARD:

It's just my name. I don't claim to be the actual Moon

THE MOON:

I am The Moon

HOWARD:

I know, you said

THE MOON:

I'm friends with Saturn. He won't let no-one go around pretending to be The Moon

HOWARD:

(_testily_)

I'm not pretending to be the Moon, alright?

THE MOON:

I seen a satellite earlier

HOWARD:

Really

THE MOON:

People was using it to look at The Moon.

Lots of people, they all watch The Moon. Stars, comets, they got nothing on me.

I am The Moon

HOWARD:

Can we get out of here?

VINCE:

What's the hurry? I like him

HOWARD:

He's an imbecile!

VINCE:

I think he's alright

HOWARD:

Yeah, well you would, wouldn't you?

VINCE:

What's that supposed to mean?

HOWARD:

You're not exactly the sharpest tool in the box, are you?

VINCE:

Oh, and you're so clever? Who got us out of the ice universe, hey?

HOWARD:

That was luck. I mean, who carries a hairdryer around?

VINCE:

I do! And what would you have done if I hadn't?

HOWARD:

I'd have found a way out

VINCE:

Oh yeah? Well, go on then, genius. Find us a way out now

HOWARD:

It's a bit different out here. I don't think a household appliance is going to get us home

VINCE:

Fine, I'll sort it. Um, hello? Moon?

THE MOON:

The Moon

VINCE:

Yeah, The Moon.

Listen, do you know how we can get back to Earth from here?

THE MOON:

Earth?

VINCE:

Yeah. You know, that planet, there?

(_he points towards the Earth_)

THE MOON:

Oh, her. She don't speak much to The Moon

VINCE:

Right. So… can you help us?

THE MOON:

Would you like a cup of tea?

VINCE:

No ta, we're sort of in a hurry. We've got to get back in time for our gig

THE MOON:

What is a gig?

VINCE:

Me and Howard are in a band. We've got a set booked in a club, you know, go and play some tunes, sing some songs

THE MOON:

I sing songs. I gotta lot of songs

(_sings_)

The Moon, so big and white in the sky

People say, you look like a pie –

HOWARD:

Yeah, we really are in a hurry –

THE MOON:

(_continues oblivious_)

Why, why you look like a pie

I am The Moon…

I don't wear a tie

(_pause_)

THE MOON:

I got more songs –

HOWARD:

Great, that's brilliant. Can you help us or not?

THE MOON:

Okay. There's a door in my Sea of Tranquillity. That's round on my back

VINCE:

Cheers, The Moon. Maybe I'll write a song about you

THE MOON:

The Moon will write a song for you too. The Moon likes you

VINCE:

(_chuffed_)

Thank, The Moon. See ya

THE MOON:

Goodbye

(_sings_)

Two men walking on The Moon

One says he is The Moon

But he is not The Moon

The other, he is not The Moon either

But The Moon says he is okay –

HOWARD:

Can we go now? Please?

VINCE:

What's your problem? He's great! Handsome too

HOWARD:

You're not quite right, you know that?

VINCE:

(_shaking his head_)

Whatever. This way

(_they walk up to the next door and go through_)

**Through The Door 5:**

_The second the door opens, the boys are sucked through, immediately finding themselves underwater! _

_But it's okay, because they've both turned into cartoons, so they don't need to breathe. They swim around for a bit, enjoying this cartoony underwater world with its brightly coloured plants and weeds. _

_More penguins go by, still arguing. One has a pet shark on a lead_

PASSING FISH:

Morning. You boys aren't from around here, are you?

VINCE:

Just passing through

FISH:  
Thought so. I'm Jeremy. Have some seaweed?

HOWARD:

No thanks. I'm trying to cut back

FISH:

Suit yourself. Going anywhere nice?

VINCE:

We're trying to get home. See, we went through this door, and now we don't know where we are

FISH:

Ah, I can help you there

HOWARD:

Really? Where are we?

FISH:  
You're in the sea. You can tell, see, from all the water and such that's here.

HOWARD:

Thanks. That's a great help

FISH:

Anytime. Oh, and if you meet the walrus, don't let him talk you into helping him find his bucket.

Just tell him you don't know anything about it or he'll keep you for hours.

HOWARD:

What?

FISH:  
Don't ask.

You might want to watch out for the merpeople, too. Weird lot, you're probably best off away from them

HOWARD:

(_turning completely white – as a cartoon, this is a literal term, not just an expression_)

Merpeople? Come on Vince, we've got to get out of here!

VINCE:

Why? Why do you always have to be in such a hurry?

Come on Howard, look at where we are! How likely is it we're gonna end up somewhere like this again?

(_but HOWARD has spotted the empty Bailey's bottle on the seabed! There's a shoe next to it – this can only mean one thing_.

_HOWARD swims frantically towards a hatch in the seabed with "Parallel Universe 28" on it, desperate to get away, but another figure is approaching from the distance_)

VINCE:

What on earth's the matter with you?

HOWARD:

(_terrified muttering_)

Old Gregg! No, no, not Old Gregg!

VINCE:

What, that sea monster? The one you were engaged to?

HOWARD:

Don't say that! He might hear you!

VINCE:

No, I want to meet him! Anything freakish enough to fall in love with you, that's gotta be worth a look!

HOWARD:

Vince, please! Not now!

(_the small green figure is getting closer and clearer, you can make out his tutu_)

VINCE:

Alright. But the next time you get abducted by a monster that wants to marry you, I'm not coming to rescue you

HOWARD:

Fine! Just, please, come on!

(_he pulls open the hatch, tumbling through, dragging Vince with him, but his trousers catch on the door, ripping them into shreds._

_In the distance, a faint cry can just be heard_)

OLD GREGG:  
I'm Old Gregg!

Come back, Howard! Old Gregg wants you back!

(_but the boys have gone, leaving cartoon Old Gregg behind_)

**Through The Door 6:**

_Now no longer cartoons, HOWARD and VINCE land on the floor of what appears to be a storeroom. Because the last world was animated, they are not wet, although HOWARD is still very pale and looking increasingly ragged_

VINCE:

You alright Howard?

HOWARD:

No, no I am not alright. Old Gregg!

VINCE:

What was so bad about him? He wanted to marry you, didn't he?

HOWARD:

What, and you think that's a good thing, do you?

Maybe you should try being forced into wedlock with an insane merman obsessed with watercolours and see how much you like it!

VINCE:

You shouldn't speak about your fiancée like that

HOWARD:

Vince!

VINCE:

You're so negative! You shouldn't be so picky

HOWARD:

Well, forgive me for wanting to marry a human woman with some semblance of sanity over a half-and-half sea monster!

VINCE:

You should take every chance you get, know what I mean? You never know what you're passing up

HOWARD:

Let's just forget all about it and see where we are now, shall we?

(_looks around. The room is dark, filled with assorted junk, spilling out of boxes and crates, but there's another door right beside them, so they open it and go through_)

HOWARD:

Looks like an office. Normal, even

VINCE:

I dunno, it's a bit – dingy. Could do with brightening up a bit

HOWARD:

It's not underwater. That's a start

VINCE:

(_picking up bits and pieces from the desks_)

Just seems a bit weird. You know, to land somewhere so boring after the last few places

HOWARD:

Yeah, well, I could do with some boring after the last few, thanks. Through here, do you think?

(_he_ _points to a red painted door in the corner of the messy office_)

VINCE:

Might as well

(_VINCE goes over to the red door and opens it, but immediately reels back in horror at the sight that greets him_)

VINCE:

Ahhh!

HOWARD:

What is it? What's wrong?

(_VINCE points through the door, and HOWARD goes in to find what appears to be a Goth version of VINCE, _

_d__ressed in black and wearing heavy makeup, cowering in the corner_)

HOWARD:

Who are you?

RICHMOND:

I'm Richmond. Who are you? And who's he?

(_points at VINCE, who's still standing in the door, frozen in shock_)

HOWARD:

I'm Howard, this is Vince. Do you two know each other?

VINCE:

Know each other? Howard, he looks just like me! Only with really bad makeup

RICHMOND:

Hey!

HOWARD:

Be nice, Vince. Don't insult him as well as scaring him

VINCE:

Scaring him? What about scaring me? How'd you feel if you looked in the mirror and saw that looking back at you?

RICHMOND:

I'm not wearing makeup

HOWARD:

I think this is all getting a bit beside the point. Where are we?

RICHMOND:

You're in the basement of Reynholm Industries

HOWARD:

Is that in London?

RICHMOND:

(_puzzled_)

Yes. Where did you come from, if you don't know where you are?

HOWARD:

That's, sort of a long story.

(_to Vince_)

If we're in London, we could be back in our universe. We could be nearly home!

VINCE:

I don't think so! You really think a world in which this freak steals my face and takes it over to the dark side is the same as ours?

HOWARD:

It's better than the last one!

VINCE:

For you, maybe, but not for me! Come on, we're leaving!

HOWARD:

Sorry, Richmond. Have to go

RICHMOND:

No worries. Nice to have visitors

(_VINCE storms out, heading through a different door from the office into the corridor, _

_where he almost bumps into a woman_)

JEN:

Hello Richmond. What are you doing out of your room?

(_looks him up and down, taking in the sparkly catsuit_)

That's a – different look for you, isn't it?

VINCE:

Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh!

(_he pushes past her, racing towards yet another door at the end of the corridor. _

_HOWARD follows closely behind_)

JEN:

Who are you? Where-? What-?

HOWARD:

Sorry, can't stay

(_he runs through the door after VINCE just as it starts to swing shut_)

**Through The Door 7:**

_VINCE bursts through the door to find himself back in Nabootique, but just as HOWARD joins him, _

_the two figures standing in the shop turn around to reveal themselves as – HOWARD and VINCE!_

_But not as we know them – "HOWARD" is wearing a flashy, sparkly, attention grabbing outfit complete with large hat and knee-high heeled boots, _

_whereas "VINCE" is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, dull brown trousers and a badly fitting hat. He also has a moustache, whereas "HOWARD" does not._

_As the boys take this in, slack-jawed, we notice that the walls are covered in pictures of "HOWARD", including newspaper clippings with headlines like_

"_Moon wins Best Looking Man Alive Award third year in a row!" and _

"_Moon is filmmaker of the century!"_

_There also appears to be a crowd outside, waving banners that say things like _

"_I love you Howard!" and "I want your Moon babies!"_

HOWARD AND VINCE:

Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh!

(_they both run like hell towards the Parallel Door at the bottom of the stairs, which thankfully slams behind them_)

**Through The Door 8:**

_(still running, they fly out of the door and are still in the Nabootique, but this time it's empty)_

HOWARD:

Are we back? Is this – ours?

VINCE:

I dunno. Looks about right

HOWARD:

Well, the last one was "about right" until –

VINCE:

Don't say it! I don't want to hear about it! I don't even want to think about it!

_The door to the shop opens and in come parallel universe HOWARD and VINCE, but this time the difference is – they're girls!_

"_VINCENZA" is wearing a Lovefoxx from CSS-style catsuit with stilettos, a boa and lots of bright plastic jewellery. _

"_HOWARDINA" is wearing a badly fitting Hawaiian shirt and matching shorts, hiking boots and a bowler hat, complete with a moustache of her own._

_In all probability, if this was a real script they would be played by Dee Plume and Sue Denim, not because they look like Howard and Vince but because they're the only two girls in it most of the time. Alternatively, Simon Farnaby and Tom Meeten as Harold Boom and Lance Dior from "The Power Of The Crimp" but in drag _

_The boys look at each other, then without a word, they turn and go through the Parallel Door at the bottom of the stairs_

**Through The Door 9:**

(_they appear to be in another dark limbo, like the first, with lowlights and a door at each end)_

VINCE:

Do me a favour, will you? Don't ever mention any of these universes to me ever again, will you?

(_HOWARD seems as shocked by the last world as VINCE, and nods dumbly_)

HOWARD:

One last go, eh? Then – I dunno, we'll have to try and find some other way home

VINCE:

Can't get any worse. Can it?

(_pause_)

HOWARD:

Come on

(_he pushes open the door and they land in… a world of doors!_

_But like the Mirror World, this is just a small room with doors set into every part of the walls and floor, all different kinds of doors – _

_glass doors, wooden doors, round portholes, sliding doors etc _)

HOWARD:

Oh, for goodness sake. This couldn't be easy, could it?

VINCE:

Relax! How hard can it be? There's only…

(_starts counting_)

HOWARD:

Eighteen. There's eighteen doors here. And no signs on any of them. How are we ever gonna find our way now?

(_VINCE shrugs and opens the nearest door, which they both go through. _

_There follows a rapid flurry of door-opening and closing as the two of them go in and out of each of the doors, some doors more than once, sometimes emerging from different doors and disappearing in opposite directions, but we only don't see the inside of any of these worlds, just the boys coming in and out of them. _

_On each occasion, something is different; For example, VINCE is wearing a long white wedding dress and veil, carrying a bouquet/HOWARD dashingly dressed, as if he's in a Jane Austen period drama/VINCE has green hair/HOWARD wearing a kind of sailor suit type outfit involving very short blue shorts with a very tight t-shirt and a matching hat/both of them wearing 1920's flapper dresses and high heels/dressed as Victorian schoolchildren/wearing snorkels and flippers etc etc etc._

_Eventually they stop, back in the Lair of the Doors, back in the clothes they had on when they started this adventure_)

HOWARD:

This is ridiculous. We could be here for years! There must be some kind of logic to this? Some way to find out how to get back?

(_a voice from above speaks up_)

VOICE:

You could ask me

(_the boys look up to see a giant spider-man perched on the ceiling between two doors, _

_looking a bit too much like Rich Fulcher dressed in black with four obviously fake black plastic legs glued onto his back _

_a__nd a pair of tights over his face. He starts to descend towards them_)

SPIDER:

This is my lair. I've been watching you boys, and you look like a tasty snack, hmmm, yes

VINCE:

Who are you?

SPIDER:

I am the Spider of the Doors, hmmm. But you can call me Louisa Fairweather-Maccaby the Third

VINCE:

Do we have to?

SPIDER:

Hmm-hmm-hmm. Otherwise I'll have to eat you

HOWARD:

Why?

SPIDER:

Well, what else have I got to do? I'm stuck in a room with nothing in it but doors. Does that sound like fun to you?

HOWARD:

I guess not

SPIDER:

You guess not, what?

HOWARD:

(_reluctantly_)

I guess not, Louisa Fairweather-Maccaby the Third

SPIDER:

That's better!

And now you can stay here with me and stop me from every getting bored again. Dance for me, monkeys, dance!

(_he throws a handful of dust at them, which half-explodes, turning into a mixture of smoke and glitter, surrounding their heads_)

VINCE:

Ow! What the hell are you doing?

SPIDER:

I'm making you dance! Now entertain me, or I shall have to eat you!

(_throws another handful_)

VINCE:

Watch the hair! This isn't something you put just anything in, you know.

(_despite this, VINCE'S hair is still immaculate, even after all they've been through. _

_He opens his man-bag and takes out a spray can and a mirror, starting to 'fix' his hair_)

HOWARD:

Vince! Not now!

VINCE:

I'm not having my hair messed up just cos of some weirdo spider who lives in a room full of doors!

HOWARD:

Oh, and focussing on your hair is going to get us home, is it?

VINCE:

Just cos you're okay going round looking like something you find at the back of a cupboard, doesn't mean I'm gonna let my standards slip

HOWARD:

What d'you mean?

VINCE:

Have you seen what you look like recently?

(_turns his hand mirror around to show Howard how dishevelled he's become during their adventure)_

HOWARD:

That's hardly surprising after all this, is it?

VINCE:

I'm alright

(_adds another squirt of product to his hair_)

SPIDER:

Hmmm, Louisa likes your can of spray thingy. Give me some of that and I won't eat you

VINCE:

What? You're not having my Style Maestro Extraordinaire! That costs €18 Euros!

HOWARD:

Vince! Just give it to him!

VINCE:

Alright. But I'm not happy about this!

(_he hands the bottle to LOUISA FAIRWEATHER-MACCABY THE THIRD, who immediately starts spraying it into the air, throwing handfuls of glitter into it_)

SPIDER:

Wheeee!

(_spins around, spraying and throwing glitter_)

SPIDER:

Much better! Oh, I won't eat you now! Do you have more?

HOWARD:

Give him the rest

VINCE:

No way! I need these!

HOWARD:

Go on! He might help us get home if you do

VINCE:

Oy, Louisa-whatever-your-name-is

SPIDER:

Louisa Fairweather-Maccaby the Third!

VINCE:

Yeah, that. Can you tell us which door'll get us home?

SPIDER:

Sure. But why would I want to do that when I could keep you here with me forever?

VINCE:

I'll give you these if you do

(_takes out the other five bottles of hair product_)

SPIDER:

Hmmm. I guess I could let you go. But not you.

(_points_ _to HOWARD_).

You must dance for me if I am to let you go

HOWARD:

You what?

SPIDER:

You heard me. Now dance, monkey, dance!

(_he continues to spray and spin while HOWARD looks horrified_)

**BACK IN NABOOTIQUE**:

VINCE:

(_stifling a laugh_)

I'm gonna have to keep a closer eye on you, you know.

Seems like you can't go anywhere without getting engaged or becoming a prostitute

(_HOWARD is standing next to him at the counter, back in his normal clothes, eyes darting nervously from side to side. _

_He's holding onto the counter rather tightly_)

HOWARD:

Look, just don't ever mention that to me ever again, will you? There are some things in life a man should never have to do, and that's one of them

VINCE:

You're not the only one who went through bad times! I had to give up three bottles of Nicky Clarke Root Booster!

AND my Special Ultra Spilt End Prevention Buffer

HOWARD:

That's not even remotely the same, is it?

VINCE:

I thought you wanted attention? You couldn't stop going on about it earlier

HOWARD:

I think I've had enough attention for a while. So just, let's forget all about it, shall we?

VINCE:

Alright. Shame we missed that gig.

HOWARD:

Yeah.

_(the shop door opens and NABOO and BOLLO come in)_

NABOO:

Alright? How're things?

HOWARD:

Fine. Everything's fine. Absolutely fine. No problems at all. No, sir

NABOO:

(_frowning_)

What's wrong with him?

VINCE:

(_grinning_)

I think Howard's found a new career as-

HOWARD:

Alright! There's no need for anyone else to know, is there?

NABOO:

Know what? What've you two been up to now?

VINCE:

Oh, not much

(_NABOO looks over at the Parallel Door_)

NABOO:

At least that's still here. Bollo, bring it upstairs, will you?

(_BOLLO wrenches the door of its hinges and lugs it upstairs. VINCE and HOWARD breathe a sigh of relief_)

HOWARD:

Oh god, I feel so much better now that's gone

VINCE:

Yeah. Howard?

HOWARD:

Hmm?

VINCE:

You don't think – no

HOWARD:

Think what?

VINCE:

You don't think anything could still come through, do you?

From the other universes?

HOWARD:

(_going pale_)

Through? How d'you mean?

VINCE:

You know, follow us back or anything?

HOWARD:

No, how could anything do that?

You don't think they could, do you?

(_he catches sight of a spider scuttling out from the space where the Parallel Door was and screams!)_

HOWARD:

Nooooooo!

Don't make me do it again!

_(he bolts from the room, leaving a laughing VINCE behind)_

_Credits roll over the animated penguins, performing an underwater synchronised swimming display_

**Disclaimer:** Obviously, anything you recognise from the Boosh universe (or Zooniverse) isn't mine, nor are Richmond and Jen of Reynholm Industries (if you don't recognise them, watch the IT Crowd and you might get what I'm going on about).

I will admit to being a little influenced by the Futurama episode "The Farnsworth Parabox". But only a little.

And in case you're wondering why a walrus would be looking for a bucket, go to /category/lolrus. All will be explained – it's not quite as random as the Boosh, but it's pretty close.

The multitalented performing penguins, however, are all mine, and will no doubt carry on cropping up in my fanfics.

I could have done a ton of crossovers and stuff here, but decided to keep it to a minimum. If anyone wants to add a chapter, feel free!


End file.
